Some would think depression hit me when I woke up from the coma. I learned I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t sit up on my own. My voice had been stripped from me, and depression still didn’t come.
It visited me and stuck around months after I gave birth. Recently, I hit a new level of depression. I had to re-train my emotions rather than my brain this time.
Instead of training my thinking to be positive, to think of my happy baby, I was negative. My brain automatically created a shortcut to everything.
I began thinking “what’s the easiest way to complete this task?” “What is the quickest?” “What would Chat GPT tell me?” “How do I finish this with the least amount of steps?” Or “can I use my brain injury as an excuse to not complete this project?”
I began to train my brain to use shortcuts and excuses. The biggest part of me, that I stopped doing, was exercising.
I have known all of my life that exercising would be my solution to depression. In my depression, I convinced myself I had every excuse in the book to stop exercising.
I had a brain injury. I have a baby. I need sleep. Once I convinced myself I had every reason in the book that gave me a sound excuse, I stopped trying. Then, depression became my best friend.
No pill, therapist, or friend could override the excuses. The depression won. What did begin to start influencing me was one simple book called Miracle Morning.
I still had no motivation when I started the book, but I knew something had to change. So, I started journaling. Journaling turned into writing. Writing turned into reading more which all led to positively thinking.
And here I am. Searching for answers. But I hope can help others and myself by sharing my journals. Reading, journaling, medication, and positive people have slowly brought me back.
